Letters to PiePie

Youthful Idealism

February 8, 2023

Dear PiePie,

I find that, earlier on in our lives, there is a totality of purpose that governs what we choose to pursue . At the age when we form our views about the world, when we see the beauty and ills of the world, there grow concepts in our mind about what we think the world should look like or behave. And we want to manifest that vision, obstacles be damned. That destination, composed of our ideals, determines our path of travel, even if the journey there might be filled with potholes and traps.

This drive is a good thing. Being bold and fearless are the hallmarks of youth, and while I think that some of those actions are the result of ignorance as opposed to bravery, the world needs idealism. Perhaps the world will blunt this sharp edge of yours, as it did to most. But perhaps it will not, and the sharp edge manages to cut a new path that others may eventually follow. Who knows?

Regardless, I genuinely believe that pursuing dreams will enrich and liven up your life. Treasure this fire while it burns, for as you grow, the challenge becomes how to keep this flame going. So I want to say to you, perhaps against the opinion of my older self: Go for it, fight those battles while you are young and hungry.

As time goes, and as one headbutt into reality and the restrictions that it brings, it seems we begin to treasure the journey more than the destination. We found that we are not quite in control of the destination, just the steps which we are taking now, and our path of travel becomes less shaped by ideals, but by the type of life we want to be living. And as we begin to prioritize living, we are willing to allow for more open-ended outcomes in where the destination is, even if there is still a general direction we are consciously headed towards. We are no longer resolutely trying to go in a straight line towards a landmark on the horizon. Instead, we are open to meander base on what we see in front of us. We may eventually still reach the goal, but we find that it is simply a transitory place-marker and the road winds beyond that. In short, things change, and you’ll change. Don’t let your youth be wasted when you are young.

An endnote. I struggled in starting this, since I expect you’d still be in college when reading this, at a ‘goldilocks’ age where you have just about enough skills and knowledge to realistically take on a big problem, but without the scars and wounds to deter you from trying despite the likely short odds. How then, could I tell you to appreciate the ignorance of youth without quite breaking that bubble of ignorance?

And then I realise that perhaps I should not be worried. When do the young ones listen to parents when they advise caution anyway? If anything, it will only spur them on to prove us wrong. Perfect.

Love, Dad

2022 – A Review

January 13, 2023

Dear PiePie,

I’m somewhat surprised that I wrote something close to the end of last year and it wasn’t an annual review. I suppose that the natural cadence of the world that I pointed out in the 2021 year in review was not quite as prevalent as I might have imagined.

So, what happened in 2022?

Well, with Covid abating and the world reopening, you manage to visit Cagayan for the first time on an extended trip. You got to spend some time in unfamiliar surroundings, with your grandma and grandpa from Mommy’s side. It was good, that you manage to see the world outside of the tiny island you’re growing up in, to soak in the seas of Palawan (although you hated the sand in your water shoes, or the salt stinging your eyes), to the noise and bustle of Manila and Cagayan. You still keep telling me that you haven’t seen the mountains though, whenever I try to teach you the word 山. We’ll need to stop bringing you to beach destinations I guess.

You went more regularly to school as well, although still only half-day and you were sick for vast periods from one ailment to another. You’re also apparently so shy in school, a far cry from the unstoppable one-person talking machine you are at home. Your teacher said, in the parent-teacher call near the end of the year, that you only just started talking to the other students in the class after months, and that you still get scared when the teachers scold the boisterous boys who are being rowdy. While you still cry and whine on the way to school, you are always happy on the way back. And I guess that’s all that we can hope for – I’d never imagine that fun was a criteria of school.

I do sometimes wonder, if we are so focused in making sure that you are happy that we forget to also steel you up for the real world. That we are rearing a princess who gets what she wants with whining. Everyone of us pursues our form of happiness, but we also only grow through discomfort and effort, which we tend to look back on and be quite appreciative about. So there exist a weird tension, where we want to be happy now, but that current happiness tends to fade away and what will make us happy later is to experience some level of discomfort and to overcome some sort of obstacle in the present moment. The obstacle is the way, as a book said.

I am writing this in a darkened cabin, on a long plane ride. As seems typical of me, I appear to be most reflective and melancholic during such journeys. Travel, it seems, mellows one. It is about hellos, to places and people old and new. But those hellos are tinged with the visceral knowledge that a goodbye will soon follow. Perhaps that is life in a microcosm. Or perhaps life is just one extended travel.

This year in review has taken an odd turn. But the mind tends to wander when given unrestricted space, and mine is wandering all over this darkened cabin. It is too late to be awake, but too early to sleep. And I shall end it here. Till next time.

Love, Dad

Spaceship Earth

December 25, 2022

Dear PiePie,

Merry Christmas. We got you loads and loads of presents, including an excavator that you can ride around and operate a shovel with while wearing a hard yellow hat. So far, you’re loving it. You’re also slowly growing into a more and more of an obstinate and whiny kid. Grandpa says having a streak of naughtiness and rebellion is good. But he doesn’t have to handle you every day. Still I’m hopeful that you’ll turn out alright – we just need to make sure we don’t spoil you too much and acquiesce to all your demands. You’re soooo good at negotiating for or sweettalking your way into things. That’s another topic for another day though.

I recently read an excerpt from William Shatner’s book, “Boldly Go: Reflections on a Life of Awe and Wonder”, which details his thoughts after heading into space in a Blue Origin spacecraft. For context, William spent a lifetime playing the captain of a spaceship on Star Trek, which is a tv/movie franchise I doubt you’ve heard of, but it was a cult hit. Despite having always been enthralled by the promise of what’s “out there”, he had an about-turn in perspective whilst in space. He says it much better than I can:

I had thought that going into space would be the ultimate catharsis of that connection I had been looking for between all living things—that being up there would be the next beautiful step to understanding the harmony of the universe… I discovered that the beauty isn’t out there, it’s down here, with all of us. Leaving that behind made my connection to our tiny planet even more profound.

It was among the strongest feelings of grief I have ever encountered. The contrast between the vicious coldness of space and the warm nurturing of Earth below filled me with overwhelming sadness. Every day, we are confronted with the knowledge of further destruction of Earth at our hands: the extinction of animal species, of flora and fauna . . . things that took five billion years to evolve, and suddenly we will never see them again because of the interference of mankind. It filled me with dread. My trip to space was supposed to be a celebration; instead, it felt like a funeral.

I learned later that I was not alone in this feeling. It is called the “Overview Effect” and is not uncommon among astronauts… Essentially, when someone travels to space and views Earth from orbit, a sense of the planet’s fragility takes hold in an ineffable, instinctive manner.

It can change the way we look at the planet but also other things like countries, ethnicities, religions; it can prompt an instant reevaluation of our shared harmony and a shift in focus to all the wonderful things we have in common instead of what makes us different. It reinforced tenfold my own view on the power of our beautiful, mysterious collective human entanglement, and eventually, it returned a feeling of hope to my heart. In this insignificance we share, we have one gift that other species perhaps do not: we are aware—not only of our insignificance, but the grandeur around us that makes us insignificant. That allows us perhaps a chance to rededicate ourselves to our planet, to each other, to life and love all around us. If we seize that chance.
William Shatner

I am not trying to convert you into an eco-warrior, or a perennial do-gooder active in social causes, although if that is what you are passionate about, more power to you. Goodness knows I’m far from being a good example of that. But hopefully this serves as a reminder of the power of perspective. That not everything emanates from you or revolves around you. That we are each but one small, insignificant cog of a broader, yet-still-insignificant little blue dot in a vast and black emptiness. That whilst we most frequently argue with those closest to us, and most often complain about the society and institutions we are in, these are the same people and institutions we would most be willing to fight for if someone “on the outside” puts them down. We simply forget about that until we had a chance to take a step out and look back at those ties that bind us.

There is a worldview called Spaceship Earth, which sees all of us on Earth as one crew working together for a common, greater good. I hope one day that this worldview makes sense to you. Having quoted so much for this letter, let me end on one more.

If, before we reach our final destination, our life is a long beautiful voyage, let’s try to make this trip quietly and cheerfully, enjoying the wonderful scenery, without annoying the other passengers too much!
Hergé

Love, Dad

一尘不染

October 30, 2022

亲爱的派派,

感觉应该用中文写几封信给你，尤其因为在家里我是负责教你中文的。希望我没教的太差，你还能读懂我下面写的。我其实觉得中文有一种独特的美感所在，让写出来的感想得以提升。

今天是妈妈的生日，你应该会很喜欢巧克力蛋糕。你，和我们一样，每一天每一秒都不断的成长。只是我们看的世界比较多，已经没那么多事会让我们惊讶，感叹，欢呼了。我们已粘上这世俗的尘埃。这没有好与坏，是每一个人都必过的旅程。

但，我有时候会纠结，该多少的让你接触这世界的丑陋呢？

是否无拘束的让你探索这世界，鼓励你在收获外面的丰富时，也同时让你跌倒和受伤。还是该尽量的保护你，让你一尘不染，坚守你对世界的童真与期盼。一方面不想要你成长得太快，好让你享受无知的快乐。另一方面怕没有足够的把你准备好，使得你无法承受这世界将带来的挫折与打击。

就跟生活大多数的问题一样，答案往往不是黑白的，不是二选一。这里也一样。感觉这问题的标准答案是，依你的成长过程，适当的让你在我们温柔的掌心里学习飞。但什么是适当的时候，什么是合适的挫折呢？这是个无答题。

说了那么多，好像什么也没有说。最终，你是我们第一个孩子。我们，同你，也在学习，也不断地在做调整，也是肯定会犯错。不管后来怎么样，我们一定会尽力而为，希望你能多多体谅与包涵。

爱你, 爸爸

The Best We Could Do

October 8, 2022

Dear PiePie,

The title for this piece came from Thi Bui’s book of the same title. It’s an illustrated memoir, so an easy and quick read – I recommend it.

The book talks about the author’s family’s journey from Vietnam to America and how the unfolding macro events in Vietnam shaped her parents and ultimately herself, leaving psychological imprints that remain long after the tumultuous times have ended.

The one thing that struck me as I read it was how the author’s parents, first shown as hunkered-down refugee-immigrants who raised their children in America on minimum wage, had such similar dreams and aspirations to my university peers and myself, despite being in a much different time and place (early 1960s Vietnam), and in much more trying circumstances.

In high school, the author’s mother “can’t picture” ever marrying, just wanting to “study all her life, become a doctor if she can, and help people”. And while that dream dimmed after high school, the mom continued longing to “study abroad; do something meaningful”, as the Vietnamese society at that time was “too confining and limiting”. The author’s father, at 17, thought his “reality was uninteresting, so became a dreamer”, imagining how his life would be if he was James Dean in a movie, and dressed like a “star” with undone buttons, long hair, and tight pants. He read Sartre and de Beauvoir and listened to Presley.

Perhaps it is the strata of society that the author’s parents occupied, since they were comparatively well-off and well-educated, but this was how many of my peers in high school and college were as well. Dreams of studying abroad, of breaking free from the existing confines of life, of venturing beyond to search for a meaning to life. I had assumed these were cliches of millennials, but it might have been more universal than I imagined.

I thus suppose that you would be feeling this way as well when you are reading this, with “the world’s mine oyster” mentality. And if you should be bristling with ideals and optimism, with dreams of what can be, with hopes of making a dent in this universe, I shall be content. Part of this contentment stems from my belief that those ideals and optimism tend to be built on not having to worry about necessities and survival (and I do hope you don’t have to). But it also means that I have been sufficiently encouraging to not have quashed those dreams.

So if you are indeed dreaming big, I simply have one more quote to bring up. Perhaps a harsh one, but one that many older people think – that “youth is wasted on the young”.

It will seem that the years stretch endlessly before you, that there will always be time to get to something. That’s not true. The years accelerate the older you are – Christmas seems to come around more quickly and catch-ups with friends become more and more infrequent. You are at the age where you will have the most energy you will ever have, with a keen enough understanding of how the world works, but without the cynicism and jadedness that comes from experiencing it too fully. Treasure this unique set of attributes. It won’t be forever. Carpe Diem.

Mom and I will support you, the best we could do.

Love, Dad

Mistakes

August 16, 2022

Dear PiePie,

I was careless during a work trip today – I left my passport in the hotel safe when checking out and only realised when I reached the airport later in the day. It wasn’t that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, since I rebooked myself on a later flight and the hotel was nice enough to courier my passport to the airport, but I can feel myself shaking with adrenaline and cursing myself at the mistake made. It’s the palpitation of fear that happens when you discover that you made a mistake, whether in school or at work or elsewhere.

I obviously still make mistakes and get shaken by them, but stepping back and reflecting, here are some reminders to myself that I thought might be useful to jot down.

Most mistakes aren’t quite as large as they feel. It takes a while to realise this, and even if your mind knows that it is a rectifiable error, it is still a sucky feeling to make a mistake. But this feeling is what will hopefully keep you from making the same mistakes in the future. So it is preferable to feel terrible when you make a mistake than not, since it means you still care, but take a few deep breaths and try to move yourself pass it.

Look ahead – it is more important to solve the problem and move forward than to dwell on the error. What’s done is done. How you deal with it will define you. Sometimes the mistake isn’t even made by you, but by someone you are partnering with that affects you. Again, move past it quickly to solve the problem at hand than to try and immediately assign blame. Move along. Reflection of mistakes can come later.

But always reflect. Eventually, however, you will need to think about why the mistake was made, and how you can prevent yourself from making the same mistake in the future. In my case, I should always check the room and safe before leaving, or I can choose not to leave the passport in the safe since it is probably more likely to be forgotten in the safe than to get stolen from a hidden place in the luggage. In general, it’s better to learn from others’ mistakes, but at the very least, you should always be learning from your own errors, figuring out processes or procedures you can change as a rule of thumb to avoid the same mistakes.

The upside of my mistake, and thus having to take a later flight, is that I now have the time and impetus to write this note. Things can turn out for good!

Love, Dad

‘Put Down Your Phone’

May 15, 2022

Dear PiePie,

Starting a note on a night flight – it seems that staring out of darkened plane cabins into moonlit clouds does wonders for reminiscence and note-writing. Also probably the lack of connectivity.

“Put down you phone”, you sometimes tell us now, wanting us to play with you. Every time you say this – and I very much appreciate it – I am strongly reminded of how hyperconnectivity to the world at large have reduced our connection to the here, now and around. Only in the data-free and stimulant-free environment of an airplane cabin do I really find myself pressing the pause on life. My eyes zone out, my mind wanders, and without Spotify, I play songs from my downloaded music library compiled when I was much, much younger. Songs embedded with stories and memories of a life (hopefully) vibrantly lived.

Your Mom and Dad, we probably waste too much time online. It’s the addiction of the modern-ites, a blessing and a curse. So we thank you for the reminder.

And now the plane will be landing soon and this temporary oasis of tranquillity will end as we hit the ground running, again. So, just a reminder to get disconnected every once in a while.

Love, Dad

Remember to Smile

April 16, 2022

Dear PiePie,

How time flies. How quickly I’ve missed many months of writing. It’s been hectic, but I have also not set aside the time. I got Covid at the same time as Yaya a month ago, after Mom had gotten it. All is fine – the severity of the current strain of Covid is lower – but amidst the inconveniences of isolation, it has allowed me to revisit writing and start this note. But I paused as soon as I recovered and returned to the daily grind.

Until now, as you are turning 3. Happy 3^rd Birthday! Here’s to 2 years of maintaining this infrequent monologue, and hopefully many more till you’re old enough to read this.

But the note that I started during Covid, which stems from a question I occasionally ask myself, remains apt on your birthday: what would I want to say to you, that I hope you carry with you and remember for the rest of your life?

Remember to Smile.

At the end, what any parent want for their child is happiness. We want, as much as possible, to set you up with a solid-enough emotional, social and intellectual foundation to be as happy as you can possibly be when we are no longer around you.

And it is important to distinguish that while I want you to be happy, I do not believe that I can “give” you happiness. It is a pursuit and a path that you alone will have to find and create. But I will admit that the very first phrase that I thought of, when I pondered the question above, is to tell you to “Be Happy”. That message, I quickly realise, is not very practicable. Sometimes, we just aren’t happy, no matter how much we tell ourselves to be. Smiling, on the other hand, is practicable. You can always choose to smile, however you are feeling.

Remember to smile when you are sad. Not to pretend that you are happy. Not to mask your sadness within. But let the act of smiling remind you that bad times never last, that there are still positives in your world even if you do not see it, that there are always things you can be grateful about even whilst you feel terrible. It’s debated, but I believe smiling can ‘trick’ yourself into being more positive and less stressed, so why not?

But more importantly, remember to smile at random moments when aren’t feeling much of anything. When you are neither sad, nor mad, nor happy or overjoyed. When your emotions are stilled. When there is monotony in your heart. You don’t need a reason to smile. It seems to me that it is precisely the periods when we experience emotional stability, when we neither get up too high nor too low on ourselves, that there is most to smile about (but when we most often forget to). Life doesn’t have to be set on a rollercoaster to be good; there is so, so much to be thankful for and to smile about in the general buzz of going about our daily life. Especially so.

It is discovering a new favourite song that gets stuck in your head, or coming across a drama that you just can’t seem to stop watching. It is having dinner with a group of friends or colleagues, for the fourth time in the same week, or the first time in years. It is someone holding a door open for you, or you giving up your seat to the elderly. It is feeling the cool breeze on your face, or working up a sweat at the gym.

Life never stops. It is hectic and we are always busy. But there is always time to smile, and always something to smile about in your life.

Remember to smile. Happy birthday again.

Love, Dad

PS: There is an NFT that I hope to pass you at some point with this phrase embedded.

2021 Year In Review

December 29, 2021

Dear PiePie,

It’s a strange milestone – the year. We mark birthdays and anniversaries and budget cycles by this slightly arbitrary concept of the year. I suppose there is some sort of rhythm to this timeframe, when the Earth makes a rotation around the Sun and the seasons cycle through once again. But we’ve all become so comfortable with the concept of the year that we, too, put up artificial boundaries between one year and the next – top events of 2021, Forbes annual billionaire list, Time person of the Year etc. It does, however, provide a natural reminder to pause, reflect and give thanks.

Around the world, 2021 saw the pandemic raged on in a stop-start fashion as we move from strict lockdown measures to easing of restrictions and back again, as new virus strains threaten again and again. We have been fortunate that there has been minimal practical impact on you, save for the fact that we have not quite been able to travel abroad as we might have wished and you have not been able to meet your grandparents. Decades-down, hopefully this period will fade away as merely a blip in the annals of history, but for now, the end is not in sight.

This year, crypto/metaverse (or perhaps you’ll know it as Web3) secured a solid foothold and looks to be here to stay. In this future that you’ll grow into, it seems likely that there will be parallel worlds – the physical and the digital – which should increasingly blend into a single connected all-encompassing entity. It will no longer seem strange that people spend vast fortunes for digital assets that can’t be felt or smelt, for these digital assets and worlds will reshape the boundaries of community and identity. I do wonder if this is a positive evolutionary step for humanity that so much of energy and resource will eventually be channeled into the digital and almost ethereal. But it is probably only natural that we turn towards satisfying the needs of the soul now that a larger portion of the world have their basic physical needs met. In any case, we watch with bated breath the world you shall inherit.

And how you’ve grown. You’ve learnt to say “don’t want” and “don’t need”, which is making our lives a little more difficult now that you’re able to voice your displeasure at the food you’re eating, the clothes you’re wearing, and the time you’re supposed to sleep. You’re developing a mischievous streak, deliberately going against what we’re telling you just to get a reaction out of us, before pacifying us by claiming that you are “so so naughty”. It is hard to get mad at you.

In a few days’ time, next year, you’ll be going to school! This will be another milestone for us as our routines will change, and you will start picking up habits and characteristics from your friends in school. We are excited and apprehensive. To the new year we come!

Love, Dad

The Roaring Twenties

December 5, 2021

Dear PiePie,

I just turned 30. So here’s a look back at the 20s.

I suppose the very first realization, is that the 20s is not any one thing. I was rapidly changing and evolving throughout the entire decade, leaving it a very different person from when I entered. I gained newfound liberty and the ability to decide for myself the paths that I wish to take. But with that also means taking responsibility for those action and choices, in stark contrast to the teen years. With that in mind, my advice is: be bold to try new things, but make sure that you are actively exercising this choice to try such things. Goodness knows you will be pressured into trying things by others (even by me and Mommy). So consider carefully, slowly even, before leaping into the unknown.

In an old, old cartoon called Doraemon, the main character has a Dokodemo door (or Anywhere Door), which acts as a portal to anywhere in the world. The 20s is a time to go through that door and explore. You start with few responsibilities, few inhibitions, and hopefully, a back-up plan in your parents (us!). So enjoy that. I did not explore outside the door as much as my peers, trading that to start a family earlier. But that worked out well for me. I supposed the takeaway here is to not be afraid to take on some responsibilities along the way even as the 20s is an opportunity to wander the world. Always having an empty knapsack, ready to move on to the next adventure may allow you to see many things. Yet, in choosing the transient, you will likely sacrifice the chance to build toward something with more permanence. If all of this sounds like a whole lot of confusing hot air with no definitive answer, that’s because life doesn’t have a defined path. We’ll be your advisors, sometimes with strong opinions, but you will have to take the step.

Another thing that will become more apparent is that the adults don’t quite have all the answers. Sure, we have walked a bit of the path that you will be embarking on, and there are some pearls of wisdom that may accidentally slip out from us. But many of us are simply going with the flow where life takes us and the “knowledge” we have are oftentimes hand-me-downs or battle scars from another era. Which might not be wrong. But just because something has been so doesn’t mean it should continue to be so. Think for yourself. A little bit of first principles thinking will go a long long way.

And know that things will get tough, as they sometimes do. When you try the unknown and it doesn’t quite work out the way you thought it would. Or perhaps it did turn out the way you envisioned but so so much tougher than you imagined. Remember, life goes on. The days tick away whether it was hard or easy, happy or sad. And it’ll get better. Set short term goals, get there, and then set the next short term goal. Incrementally, you’ll move through the valleys. Don’t lose hope.

Finally, the 20s is also when illusions are shattered and reality sets in. This might be the fabled mid-life crisis previously experienced in the 30s and 40s, but perhaps as with everything, it gets earlier generation by generation. The grand visions that you might have had of yourself or for the world becomes increasingly out of reach and you come to the sinking realization that…perhaps you might not be able to actually achieve it. Know that that’s ok. You don’t have to live the lives of autobiographies.

In my 20s, I have gained friends and also lost friends. I have experienced lack and also decadence. I have had broken limbs and also broken spirits. I have traveled near and far. Out of the aggregated sum of these experiences, learning to love living the ordinary life was the best thing that I got out of my 20s. So, when you return from outside the Dokodemo door, perhaps bruised and battered, perhaps on a high, striding into your 30s, I hope you come to the conclusion that an ordinary, unassuming life is just as fulfilling and worth living.

Love, Dad