Letters to PiePie

‘Put Down Your Phone’

May 15, 2022

Dear PiePie,

Starting a note on a night flight – it seems that staring out of darkened plane cabins into moonlit clouds does wonders for reminiscence and note-writing. Also probably the lack of connectivity.

“Put down you phone”, you sometimes tell us now, wanting us to play with you. Every time you say this – and I very much appreciate it – I am strongly reminded of how hyperconnectivity to the world at large have reduced our connection to the here, now and around. Only in the data-free and stimulant-free environment of an airplane cabin do I really find myself pressing the pause on life. My eyes zone out, my mind wanders, and without Spotify, I play songs from my downloaded music library compiled when I was much, much younger. Songs embedded with stories and memories of a life (hopefully) vibrantly lived.

Your Mom and Dad, we probably waste too much time online. It’s the addiction of the modern-ites, a blessing and a curse. So we thank you for the reminder.

And now the plane will be landing soon and this temporary oasis of tranquillity will end as we hit the ground running, again. So, just a reminder to get disconnected every once in a while.

Love, Dad

Remember to Smile

April 16, 2022

Dear PiePie,

How time flies. How quickly I’ve missed many months of writing. It’s been hectic, but I have also not set aside the time. I got Covid at the same time as Yaya a month ago, after Mom had gotten it. All is fine – the severity of the current strain of Covid is lower – but amidst the inconveniences of isolation, it has allowed me to revisit writing and start this note. But I paused as soon as I recovered and returned to the daily grind.

Until now, as you are turning 3. Happy 3^rd Birthday! Here’s to 2 years of maintaining this infrequent monologue, and hopefully many more till you’re old enough to read this.

But the note that I started during Covid, which stems from a question I occasionally ask myself, remains apt on your birthday: what would I want to say to you, that I hope you carry with you and remember for the rest of your life?

Remember to Smile.

At the end, what any parent want for their child is happiness. We want, as much as possible, to set you up with a solid-enough emotional, social and intellectual foundation to be as happy as you can possibly be when we are no longer around you.

And it is important to distinguish that while I want you to be happy, I do not believe that I can “give” you happiness. It is a pursuit and a path that you alone will have to find and create. But I will admit that the very first phrase that I thought of, when I pondered the question above, is to tell you to “Be Happy”. That message, I quickly realise, is not very practicable. Sometimes, we just aren’t happy, no matter how much we tell ourselves to be. Smiling, on the other hand, is practicable. You can always choose to smile, however you are feeling.

Remember to smile when you are sad. Not to pretend that you are happy. Not to mask your sadness within. But let the act of smiling remind you that bad times never last, that there are still positives in your world even if you do not see it, that there are always things you can be grateful about even whilst you feel terrible. It’s debated, but I believe smiling can ‘trick’ yourself into being more positive and less stressed, so why not?

But more importantly, remember to smile at random moments when aren’t feeling much of anything. When you are neither sad, nor mad, nor happy or overjoyed. When your emotions are stilled. When there is monotony in your heart. You don’t need a reason to smile. It seems to me that it is precisely the periods when we experience emotional stability, when we neither get up too high nor too low on ourselves, that there is most to smile about (but when we most often forget to). Life doesn’t have to be set on a rollercoaster to be good; there is so, so much to be thankful for and to smile about in the general buzz of going about our daily life. Especially so.

It is discovering a new favourite song that gets stuck in your head, or coming across a drama that you just can’t seem to stop watching. It is having dinner with a group of friends or colleagues, for the fourth time in the same week, or the first time in years. It is someone holding a door open for you, or you giving up your seat to the elderly. It is feeling the cool breeze on your face, or working up a sweat at the gym.

Life never stops. It is hectic and we are always busy. But there is always time to smile, and always something to smile about in your life.

Remember to smile. Happy birthday again.

Love, Dad

PS: There is an NFT that I hope to pass you at some point with this phrase embedded.

2021 Year In Review

December 29, 2021

Dear PiePie,

It’s a strange milestone – the year. We mark birthdays and anniversaries and budget cycles by this slightly arbitrary concept of the year. I suppose there is some sort of rhythm to this timeframe, when the Earth makes a rotation around the Sun and the seasons cycle through once again. But we’ve all become so comfortable with the concept of the year that we, too, put up artificial boundaries between one year and the next – top events of 2021, Forbes annual billionaire list, Time person of the Year etc. It does, however, provide a natural reminder to pause, reflect and give thanks.

Around the world, 2021 saw the pandemic raged on in a stop-start fashion as we move from strict lockdown measures to easing of restrictions and back again, as new virus strains threaten again and again. We have been fortunate that there has been minimal practical impact on you, save for the fact that we have not quite been able to travel abroad as we might have wished and you have not been able to meet your grandparents. Decades-down, hopefully this period will fade away as merely a blip in the annals of history, but for now, the end is not in sight.

This year, crypto/metaverse (or perhaps you’ll know it as Web3) secured a solid foothold and looks to be here to stay. In this future that you’ll grow into, it seems likely that there will be parallel worlds – the physical and the digital – which should increasingly blend into a single connected all-encompassing entity. It will no longer seem strange that people spend vast fortunes for digital assets that can’t be felt or smelt, for these digital assets and worlds will reshape the boundaries of community and identity. I do wonder if this is a positive evolutionary step for humanity that so much of energy and resource will eventually be channeled into the digital and almost ethereal. But it is probably only natural that we turn towards satisfying the needs of the soul now that a larger portion of the world have their basic physical needs met. In any case, we watch with bated breath the world you shall inherit.

And how you’ve grown. You’ve learnt to say “don’t want” and “don’t need”, which is making our lives a little more difficult now that you’re able to voice your displeasure at the food you’re eating, the clothes you’re wearing, and the time you’re supposed to sleep. You’re developing a mischievous streak, deliberately going against what we’re telling you just to get a reaction out of us, before pacifying us by claiming that you are “so so naughty”. It is hard to get mad at you.

In a few days’ time, next year, you’ll be going to school! This will be another milestone for us as our routines will change, and you will start picking up habits and characteristics from your friends in school. We are excited and apprehensive. To the new year we come!

Love, Dad

The Roaring Twenties

December 5, 2021

Dear PiePie,

I just turned 30. So here’s a look back at the 20s.

I suppose the very first realization, is that the 20s is not any one thing. I was rapidly changing and evolving throughout the entire decade, leaving it a very different person from when I entered. I gained newfound liberty and the ability to decide for myself the paths that I wish to take. But with that also means taking responsibility for those action and choices, in stark contrast to the teen years. With that in mind, my advice is: be bold to try new things, but make sure that you are actively exercising this choice to try such things. Goodness knows you will be pressured into trying things by others (even by me and Mommy). So consider carefully, slowly even, before leaping into the unknown.

In an old, old cartoon called Doraemon, the main character has a Dokodemo door (or Anywhere Door), which acts as a portal to anywhere in the world. The 20s is a time to go through that door and explore. You start with few responsibilities, few inhibitions, and hopefully, a back-up plan in your parents (us!). So enjoy that. I did not explore outside the door as much as my peers, trading that to start a family earlier. But that worked out well for me. I supposed the takeaway here is to not be afraid to take on some responsibilities along the way even as the 20s is an opportunity to wander the world. Always having an empty knapsack, ready to move on to the next adventure may allow you to see many things. Yet, in choosing the transient, you will likely sacrifice the chance to build toward something with more permanence. If all of this sounds like a whole lot of confusing hot air with no definitive answer, that’s because life doesn’t have a defined path. We’ll be your advisors, sometimes with strong opinions, but you will have to take the step.

Another thing that will become more apparent is that the adults don’t quite have all the answers. Sure, we have walked a bit of the path that you will be embarking on, and there are some pearls of wisdom that may accidentally slip out from us. But many of us are simply going with the flow where life takes us and the “knowledge” we have are oftentimes hand-me-downs or battle scars from another era. Which might not be wrong. But just because something has been so doesn’t mean it should continue to be so. Think for yourself. A little bit of first principles thinking will go a long long way.

And know that things will get tough, as they sometimes do. When you try the unknown and it doesn’t quite work out the way you thought it would. Or perhaps it did turn out the way you envisioned but so so much tougher than you imagined. Remember, life goes on. The days tick away whether it was hard or easy, happy or sad. And it’ll get better. Set short term goals, get there, and then set the next short term goal. Incrementally, you’ll move through the valleys. Don’t lose hope.

Finally, the 20s is also when illusions are shattered and reality sets in. This might be the fabled mid-life crisis previously experienced in the 30s and 40s, but perhaps as with everything, it gets earlier generation by generation. The grand visions that you might have had of yourself or for the world becomes increasingly out of reach and you come to the sinking realization that…perhaps you might not be able to actually achieve it. Know that that’s ok. You don’t have to live the lives of autobiographies.

In my 20s, I have gained friends and also lost friends. I have experienced lack and also decadence. I have had broken limbs and also broken spirits. I have traveled near and far. Out of the aggregated sum of these experiences, learning to love living the ordinary life was the best thing that I got out of my 20s. So, when you return from outside the Dokodemo door, perhaps bruised and battered, perhaps on a high, striding into your 30s, I hope you come to the conclusion that an ordinary, unassuming life is just as fulfilling and worth living.

Love, Dad

To Baby Or Not to Baby

October 14, 2021

Dear PiePie,

At some point in your life, you might be faced with a decision on whether to have a baby (or two, or three, or many more!) There are many considerations and the prevailing societal sentiments when you’re at that crossroad might be so very different from now, but this was what your mom and I considered when we thought about having a child (you!).

We were hesitant. Having a child is an irreversible, life-changing decision (and I am appreciative that in our day and age, it actually is a decision as opposed to something that just happens). We were comfortable with the life we had, and there was no reason why that had to change. But deep within, I was quite excited to try new things and experience “childrearing”. It seemed like a fun thing to do, taking the plunge into the unknown. Your mom, having lived with sisters that had multiple children, knew the experience better and was more reticent. Ultimately though, she was ambivalent enough that my insistence won out. And voila, hello Piepie! That was not very exciting, isn’t it? It basically came down to me yolo-ing.

Because having a child has become an active decision, more couples now require compelling reasons to make that leapt. Otherwise, the flow of life will simply carry them along past the point of no return. By most rational calculus, having a kid just isn’t attractive. Raising a child takes time, money, and energy. Lots of it. It’s a 24/7 job with no weekends and no holidays. You can’t just take a “me” day. Parenting is tough, this is common knowledge.

And that is why for some, out of self-love, they decide to remain childless – the parents are either content with their current lives and don’t wish to have that change by having children, or their life aspirations might be incompatible with having a child. Another slightly different set of reasons stem from love for the unborn child – the parents might feel that they don’t have the socioeconomic resources to provide adequately for the child, or they worry about the climate future that the child will eventually inherit (this is probably a smaller yet increasingly prominent viewpoint).

I was well-aware of these arguments, and utterly ignorant of reasons “for” having a child. All I could muster was, “But maybe it’ll be interesting…?”. I guess you’re really lucky you got here?

I still don’t know really know the arguments for having children. But I do know that even after all those sleepless nights, even after saying goodbye to weekends, even after reading you the same storybook for the 5^th time, I’d choose to have a child like you again in a heartbeat. “Like you” is probably the operative phrase there.

I am reminded of my “thesis” on happiness from An Expressionless Happiness, where I wrote that new 10/10 life experiences expand our horizon of happiness, allowing us to reach higher peaks that we were previously unaware of. Having a child is like opening up a can of 10/10 experiences, where emotional peaks are reached with surprising regularity. Simply staring at you sleep is a 10/10 experience. Or sitting beside you as you watch TV. Or spending Sunday mornings taking you around, even if I have to wake up early. The happiness and contentment that comes from having a child is unspeakable, which might be why it doesn’t make for a very effective rational argument.

All I know is, I’m glad we decided to have you. It did change our lives, and I am so grateful.

Love, Dad

My University

August 30, 2021

Dear PiePie,

A few days ago, Daddy’s alma mater announced that it would be shutting down when the newest matriculated batch graduates 4 years from now. It would mark a remarkably short run as an institution, given that I was the pioneer batch of this college and graduated just a few years ago. We disagree with the decision and will try to fight it, even if it is likely to prove futile. But a bigger question that surfaces in conversations like this is: what is so special about an institution?

This is a really hard question. And as you read this, I expect you will be in a university (or whatever the equivalent is 20 years from now). It would be interesting for you to ponder about what makes your institution so special. To others, and to yourself. Below, I will simply pen down some reflections about my alma mater and why it is special to me.

There are so many facets of any college – the curriculum, the size and diversity of the cohort, the classroom environment, the physical spaces, the type of discourse that are encouraged, the leadership of the school, the faculty etc. Taken individually, most facets are not unique. Common curriculum? Most liberal arts colleges have it. Residential requirements? That’s easy to implement. Faculty focused on undergraduate teaching? Maybe not as common in larger state universities but certainly hallmarks of smaller colleges like Dartmouth. Whatever it is, someone, somewhere has probably done it. But, taken together, in the interstices amongst all of these facets, is where something that might have been common becomes infinitely unique and precious.

My college experience molded me into who I am and defined the trajectory I am on. The common curriculum forced me to leave the comforts of science and math into the unknown realms of philosophy, political science and literature. Whilst I still have absolutely no idea how to interpret texts, it allowed me to better appreciate the skills required to do so whilst improving my ability to read, write and synthesize. These have helped me more at work than any “hard” knowledge. Yet, the curriculum is still only a small part of the experience.

A bigger influence was the seemingly innocuous interactions and challenges that existed as part of “daily school life”. It is building up a new student organization while clashing with the administration. It is figuring out how to balance course loads across semesters to pursue a program that no one in your school has done before. It is fielding questions by employers about what your school is, knowing that you alone will shape their first perceptions. It is debating about the purpose and ideal structure of a student government and how students should “come to power”. As the first batch of students, every step we took was into the unknown, guided often by youthful idealism and rarely by common sense. We failed a lot, and sometimes learnt from our scars.

But perhaps the biggest influence came from the people who traversed along this path with me. We argued and debated over trivial issues (should the dining hall serve chicken with skin?), we cursed and swore at one another, but we also hugged and laughed together. It is the people that define the values and culture of an institution. And the first batch of students were the crazies who bought into the dream of a school that existed only in theory, and created it haphazardly in reality.

My schoolmates have searched for pirates in Indonesia and travelled by train from Vietnam to Finland. They are boldly pursuing their passions in ecology and literature and education. They care deeply about the people and world around us. In college, each of us charted a path no one has walked before, and because of that, we are emboldened to subsequently chart our own paths after graduation. Each one of us is an imperfect draft answer to the question: what must a young person learn in order to lead a responsible life in this century? In every one of these “answers”, I have learnt something.

And this is perhaps what I treasure most from college – getting to know and being shaped by the diverse set of individuals who, having had their idealism put through the crucible of crushing uncertainty, is blazing their own unique trails.

We walk together, in a hundred different directions. Go Kingfishers.

Love, Dad

PS: I realized this is probably more of an emotional catharsis for me than a letter to you. I hope to write a proper one soon!

The Examples We Set

June 1, 2021

Dear PiePie,

If someone in school snatches away a shared toy that you are playing with, what should you do? What if the item being taken is your personal belonging – like your bag or water bottle or hair clip? Should you simply accept it and wait for them to return, or ask them for it, or complain to the teacher, or simply snatch it back?

In the world of adults, many of these situations have no definite right or wrong, white or black. What you should do tends to fall in the not-so-helpful zone of ‘it depends’. And yet, as and when these situations happen, you will ask or look to us to guide you on what should or should not be done, and Mommy and I will have to give you a clear instruction on how you should respond.

We worry, as parents probably often do, that the example we set for you right now will ultimately have broader implications – in this case, that you might end up always passively accepting bullying or that you might become an antagonistic person who turns to violence. Both are extreme examples and you’ll probably end up somewhere in the middle, like most of us, but we still do worry.

Amongst friends who have children, it seems many believe the child should ‘stand up for themselves’. After all, no one wants to see their kid being bullied. ‘Society is unforgiving and we would do best for our children to recognize that and be equipped to survive.’ It seems we are trapped in an adverse game theory where the dominant strategy is always to look out for oneself first and foremost, tragedy of the commons be damned. But in times like these I always recall the following quote.

“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.”
L.R Knost

I hope we raised you in such a way that you’re empowered and confident to make this world a little less cruel and heartless. Did we do it well? And…do you perhaps wish we might have raised you differently?

Let us know?

Love, Dad

Two

April 16, 2021

Dear Piepie,

You’re two today! And how much you have grown over the past year.

You are starting to develop a personality, clearly shaped and moulded by the way myself, mommy and yaya act around you. For better or worse, you are one OCD toddler. Your first phrase is “Oh No!” and you’d point to ‘dirty stuff’ – hair on the floor, spilled food on the table, or crayon marks on the wall – and shout (and I mean shout) “OH NOOOOOO!!”. Again and again and again. Until one of us comes over to clean it up. I marvel at how babies learn to develop early traits, and I wonder if those traits tend to carry over as they grow older into adulthood. We’ll see, wont we? 🙂

Some say two-year olds enter a “Terrible Two” stage. You’re probably not there yet because you’re still an angel to us, despite occasional tantrums, and perhaps I’m hoping you’d skip that phase. A lot of the frustrations you have bubbling out stems from you simply wanting something and us not understanding what it is that you would like us to do, and so you’d scream and shout and gesture wildly. Which is quite cute, actually.

I’m super happy at how you are turning out, and I do think we owe a lot of it to yaya, who is able to make sure all your physical needs are met, but also be strict enough with you such that you will actually listen to us. The silver lining of Covid is also that we’ve gotten to spend a lot of time with you as you start to develop your personality and traits, thus having the chance to influence that, while also just being there to see the ‘firsts’. In some ways, I think this might also be the time when you’re the most “fun” – because you’re just developed enough to go about and do some things on your own, but still quite clingy to us (which we like!). And as I mentioned in the letter for your first birthday, which I re-read, we need to be so thankful that you’d still be clingy to us.

I hope I’m able to treasure these moments as much as possible. To go through these new experiences as if I’m already looking back and reminiscing, savouring. To stretch these moments out even as the drumbeats of life thumps steadily on. To steal an eternity from the ephemeral.

You’ll only be two, once.

Love, Dad

On Choosing Jobs

April 1, 2021

Dear Piepie,

I’m going to be changing jobs soon. I first changed jobs a few months after you were born and now, as you’re nearing two, I’ll be changing jobs again. A decade ago, this pace of changing jobs will probably be considered quick, but nowadays, a two-year tenure is no longer considered that short. I do hope that I’ll be with my next role longer though.

There are many reasons that I’m moving, but in all such decisions, there’s always a pull and push. An attraction towards the new situation and some disenchantment towards the current situation. In this letter however, I thought it might be helpful to reflect on the pull – how I thought about whether the new situation is something that is attractive to me. In 20 years’ time, perhaps the notion of work has changed so much that what I’m writing here no longer fully applies. We’ll have that discussion again if that’s the case.

There are many factors goes into whether a role is attractive – below are some of the typical considerations:

Current compensation
- Pay and package: How much is the monthly pay and what are the leave and medical benefits?
- Stability of pay and package: How much of your package is guaranteed (not in annual bonus or commissions)? How financially stable is the company that is employing you? What is the company’s policies on redundancies, and do they retrench employees often?
Alignment to future goal
- Skillset building: Does what you will be doing help develop skillsets that will allow you to pursue your future goals?
- Exposure to industry: Does the work expose you to people who might be able to help you with your future goal?
- Internal mobility/trajectory: Does the company offer good internal mobility and trajectory?
Content of work
- How much do you think you will enjoy the day-to-day job scope?
  - There will always be grunt work that needs to be done, but everyone has hidden superpowers – things that are ‘boring’ to most which they simply enjoy doing more than others. For me, I quite enjoy working on excel spreadsheets and reading about businesses and annual reports, which is why I am going into investments
Culture
- Work-life balance: How many hours do you have to work a week? How are those hours spread out (across evenings and/or weekends)?
- Working relationship with superiors: Is your superior ‘fair’ and ‘supportive’? Will you be able to work well with him/her?
- Working environment with colleagues: What kind of colleague relationships does the work environment foster? What’s the demographic mix of employees?
  - I’m assuming here that most people are nice, and that the company structure dictates a lot of the interpersonal interactions
  - There are no absolute ‘good’ or ‘bad’ environment, just one that fits what you’re optimising for at that moment

While there are many factors here (and the list is far from comprehensive), what factors you should weight more heavily depends on your personality, interest, and the stage of life you’re at. As a young college graduate with minimal financial commitments, you might not need to weight current compensation and content of work as highly, but to value opportunities that builds up your skillset and connections in the direction of what you might want to do in the future. If you don’t know what you want to do, as is common with many young people, opportunities that allow you to ‘try things’ (eg. rotate across functions and departments), or which keeps career paths open (eg. consulting), might be attractive. In my current career transition, I can definitively say that I am optimising for culture and content of work, while making willing sacrifices to career progression and compensation. Put differently, I am choosing to do something that I think I will enjoy, in an environment with people I like working with, even if it means I have to take a slight pay cut and lose out on potentially faster career progression elsewhere.

Also, you only get the chance to evaluate roles if you’re willing to wait for the right opportunity, while being clear about what that right opportunity is. The more desperate you are to leave your current situation, the less attractive the opportunity needs to be for you to move. And it becomes more likely for you to make a move that you come to question later. Opportunities do not come along when you want them to. Often, they appear when you least expect them. But knowing what you want allows you to pounce at a moment’s notice, so be prepared.

Lastly, being able to choose your career is a privilege. Remember that most people who lived before, even just centuries ago, never had this choice. Cherish this ‘power’!

Love, Dad

On Tradition

February 12, 2021

Dear PiePie,

It is the first day of Chinese New Year and we just went to visit your great-grandmother and the extended relatives on grandpa’s side. Chinese New Year is laden with tradition, even as much of those practises have been adapted and diluted with the passing of time and of those who upheld the traditions.

We exchange oranges and greetings, and the elders give red packets (红包) to those who are younger according to some unwritten criterions. Like, those who are married are no longer eligible for red packets. Or those who experienced a death in the family in the past year are not required to give red packets. And there are probably many more rules I’ve never heard of. We are to stay up the night before to welcome the new year as a family (守岁) while enjoying a sumptuous reunion dinner. While our family doesn’t adhere strictly to these traditions, the practical result is that Chinese New Year is a time for distant relatives to come together and reacquaint themselves.

When I was a child, I dreaded such gatherings. Adults just seemed to sit around making small talk, and it was always quite boring. Even as I grew older, these traditions were more of a chore than something I looked forward to. And I suspect you’ll feel the same way too.

But I am starting to appreciate the opportunities that these traditions provide for us to reconnect with family and friends. They provide a reminder, or perhaps an excuse, for us to reach out with a greeting and a simple “how are you?”.

You will get busier and will have less time for those whom you were previously close with, whether family or friends. And these traditions are the thin threads holding together your memories and shared experiences, even as you slowly drift apart. That, I think, is when you might start to appreciate occasions like these.

It’s interesting that there are comparable traditions across cultures that provide similar opportunities for families and friends to gather. Whether they are called Christmas, Thanksgiving or Diwali, they almost always, as part of the tradition, comprise a sumptuous meal which the family gather together from all around the city (or world) to enjoy. It brings people together.

You will eventually drift apart from us. But I do hope that these traditions continue to bind us together and to our shared heritage, however loosely. And I hope it serves as a reminder from whence you came.

Love, Dad